I was talking with a co-worker the other day (like me, in his mid-forties). He mentioned the he had borrowed an X-Box 360 game from a friend. It was a variant on a first person shooter, and he was complaining that even at the first level he was only lasting a few seconds before being blasted into oblivion from all sides. He then mentioned that at his age he preferred Tiger Woods Golf.
So I thought, why not combine the two concepts? Since I am not a games programmer, I’ll throw the idea out here. Thus is born:
Bagdad Open
Picture this:
Outside the Green Zone in Baghdad, dozens of residential neighbourhoods are razed to the ground. The residents, merely nameless Arabs who of course don’t matter, are displaced to make way for a private golf course for the use of visiting Republicans, Blackwater executives, members of the radical Religious Right and other heroes of the salvation of Iraq.
But the displaced nameless Arabs, in a stunning and inexplicable display of ingratitude, are attacking blameless foursomes just trying to get in a round of golf. And here the game begins; your mission, as one of the golfers, is to get through as many rounds of golf as possible, alive. In addition to your clubs, you are given a machine gun, hand grenades, and golf balls made of depleted uranium.
As a beginner golfer, your caddy is another nameless Arab, so you will have to watch him closely; he could explode at any moment! (You are however, given a taser to keep the ungrateful little prick in his place. And each ball washing station is also equipped with a water board set-up, in case you really have to show him who’s boss). Also, sniper fire will be coming in from all sides, so you will need to be able to drop your club and pick up the machine gun at a moment’s notice. And you will really have to watch out for those bunker shots! Bullets are flying, women and children are dying, but it’s a glorious day for golf!
Some local rules have been put into place: You can get relief if severed limbs or casual blood is obstructing your shot, and if you nail one of the locals with your tee shot, once the body has been cleared, you can get a mulligan, so you won’t lose a stroke; just make sure to replace your divots!
If you survive the first round, you can enter a tournament, and as you move up, you can get a Blackwater caddy, at taxpayer’s expense. You will also get better clubs and bigger weapons. You will finally be able to carry the dogleg on the par 5 13th with a Patriot missile!
I wonder when we’ll see the next in the series: The Tehran Memorial, a tournament in honour of the late Shah, and a time when local strongmen could be relied upon to keep the local population in its place, while following the orders of their American masters.
Tags: Golf, Bagdhad, Video Games
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